Understanding the Dynamics of BPD and Their Impact on Loved Ones
People with Borderline Personality Disorder often struggle with intense emotional pain, chronic emptiness, and a deep fear of abandonment. As Stop Walking on Eggshells notes, many individuals with BPD look to their partners to supply a stable mood or sense of internal equilibrium (Chapter 2). When that stability seems threatened, the person with BPD may react with panic, anger, or desperate attempts to regain closeness. This fear of abandonment is also closely tied to a history of chronic emptiness, a theme emphasized throughout Chapter 2.
Another common difficulty is externalizing—seeing problems as caused by others rather than taking responsibility. Chapter 2 describes how this can show up in relationships: the partner becomes the “cause” of the emotional pain, the trigger for distress, or the explanation for why everything feels unstable. In reality, the underlying cause is usually the person’s internal dysregulation and longstanding wounds, but it can be extremely hard for them to see it that way.
Many of the coping behaviors seen in BPD relationships come from a place of emotional survival. Chapter 4 of Stop Walking on Eggshells describes patterns such as people-pleasing, over-functioning, caretaking, or even shutting down emotionally. These behaviors may have been adaptive early in life, especially if the partner grew up in an environment where they had to manage other people’s reactions to stay safe. In adulthood, these strategies can re-emerge automatically when partnered with someone whose emotional world is unpredictable.
It’s important to recognize that partners may turn to these coping mechanisms for many reasons—not all of them are because the other spouse has BPD. For example, a wife may have developed an alcohol addiction, or even had an affair, and the couple enters counseling because of those issues. But over time it may become clear that her extreme coping behaviors were shaped by years of frustration, guilt, confusion, and discouragement in response to a partner’s BPD patterns. Things are not always as they appear on the surface.
At the same time, labeling these behaviors as “symptoms” does not remove responsibility. We are each responsible for the choices we make, including behaviors that emerge under pressure or pain. Calling something a symptom helps us understand where the behavior comes from, but it does not excuse it.
And while these patterns are often discussed in the context of BPD, only a trained professional can determine whether the diagnosis actually applies. Partners should avoid assigning labels and instead focus on understanding the relational dynamics and seeking appropriate support. For clarity, no mental health professional should diagnose an individual without meeting with them directly in a clinical setting, and partners should refrain from diagnosing each other as well. Any diagnostic conclusion requires a full assessment, adequate information, and a direct clinical relationship—not assumptions made from relational patterns alone.
To make progress, both partners need support. The person with BPD needs help developing emotional regulation skills, recognizing internal triggers, and taking responsibility for their actions. Partners often need assistance identifying unhealthy coping patterns, setting healthy boundaries, and staying grounded in the midst of emotional storms.
Many couples also benefit from evidence-based therapies such as DBT and EMDR. For the person with BPD, DBT can strengthen emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and the capacity to pause before reacting. EMDR can help reduce the intensity of trauma-based triggers and the reality distortions that often fuel abandonment fear and externalizing. Partners typically begin with psychoeducation—learning how BPD shapes perception, how reality can become distorted during dysregulation, and how they themselves may have adapted to those distortions. From there, learning to set boundaries is an independent and essential part of the partner’s healing. EMDR may then be helpful for processing the emotional impact of these relational patterns, but its effectiveness rests on the foundation of clarity, education, and well-established boundaries. Together, these approaches support responsibility, stability, and greater relational clarity.
