Pornography Addiction and Recovery for Christian Men

A Three-Part Approach to Pornography Addiction for Christian Men

When a man comes to counseling because he wants to stop looking at pornography, the obvious goal is to stop the pornography.

Filters can help. Accountability can help. Avoiding situations in which temptation is especially strong can help. But in my experience as a therapist, focusing only on stopping the behavior usually does not work for very long.

Pornography is frequently doing something for the person who uses it. It may provide temporary relief from boredom, loneliness, stress, shame, rejection, or a general sense that something is missing from life. That means recovery involves more than asking, How do I stop looking at pornography? It also means asking, What am I turning to pornography for?

For many of the Christian men I work with, I have found that a three-part approach can be especially helpful.

1. Address What Is Underneath the Pornography

The first part is understanding the problem that pornography has been helping the person manage.

Sometimes that problem is boredom. A man is sitting alone at night with nothing meaningful to do. His phone is nearby. He may have no intention of looking at pornography when the evening begins, but eventually he finds himself doing exactly what he had resolved not to do.

Sometimes the deeper issue is loneliness. And loneliness does not necessarily mean being physically alone. A man may have a wife, children, coworkers, friends, and a church while still feeling that nobody really knows him.

Pornography can become an easy substitute for connection with other people. It does not require vulnerability, taking social risks, or facing the possibility of rejection. But it does not resolve loneliness, and it can lead to even more withdrawal.

Shame can be especially important.

Abraham Twerski, in Addictive Thinking, distinguishes between guilt over something we have done and shame about who we are. Guilt says, in effect, I did something wrong. Shame says, There is something wrong with me.

The first can lead to repentance, responsibility, and change. The second easily leads to hopelessness.

This can be especially difficult for Christian men. A man may turn to pornography because he already feels lonely, rejected, or ashamed. Then afterward he feels ashamed for doing something he believes is wrong. He may hide it from others, become more isolated, and eventually turn to pornography again for relief.

2. Grow in Faith

The second part is growing in faith.

For Christian men, this may include reading Scripture and praying, both privately and with others, becoming involved in a Bible study, attending church, and understanding the meaning of their faith in a deeper way.

A man may already know that pornography is wrong. Simply reminding him of that may not help very much, and in some cases it may only add to the shame he already feels.

The goal is to grow in the positive practice of the Christian faith. Reading Scripture, prayer, Bible study, worship, and time with other Christians can give a person greater meaning, direction, and support.

3. Find Better Outlets

The third part is finding other outlets—other things to occupy a person's attention besides pornography.

Many people find exercise helpful. Spending time with family and friends can help. So can hobbies, sports, volunteering at church, projects, or other activities that give a person something worthwhile to do.

Ideally, a good outlet will involve spending time with other people and will leave the person feeling good afterward.

There is an important difference between spending three hours scrolling through a phone and spending three hours playing basketball with friends. Both occupy time. But one is more likely to reduce isolation, improve physical health, strengthen relationships, and leave a person feeling that the evening was well spent.

Building a Life That Does Not Need Pornography

These three parts reinforce one another.

As underlying loneliness, boredom, and shame are addressed, there is less need to escape from them. As a man grows in his faith, his life gains greater meaning and direction. As he develops healthier outlets and spends more time with other people, pornography has less space to fill.

None of this means that boundaries, accountability, filters, or learning to manage urges are unnecessary. They can be very helpful.

But recovery involves more than learning how not to look at pornography.

It involves building a life in which pornography has less and less to offer.