The Four Horsemen of Marriage
Marriage researcher John Gottman identified four destructive patterns of communication that can seriously damage a marriage. He called them the Four Horsemen: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
These patterns make it difficult for couples to understand one another, resolve disagreements, and maintain trust. They also tend to reinforce one another.
1. Criticism — Attacking Character Rather Than Behavior
Criticism goes beyond addressing something your spouse has done wrong and attacks who your spouse is.
Making broad statements such as 'You always...' or 'You never...'
Turning a specific disagreement into a judgment about your spouse's character.
Assuming we know our spouse's intentions rather than asking questions.
The alternative: Address specific behaviors and explain how they affected you without attacking your spouse's character or assigning motives.
2. Defensiveness — Difficulty Receiving Criticism
Defensiveness occurs when we become so concerned with protecting ourselves that we fail to consider what our spouse is saying.
Immediately explaining or justifying our behavior.
Responding to a complaint with a complaint of our own.
Focusing on what our spouse did wrong rather than acknowledging our part.
Listening primarily to defend ourselves rather than to understand.
The alternative: Look for what is legitimate in the criticism and take responsibility for your part, even when you disagree with much of what is being said.
3. Contempt — Looking Down on Your Spouse
Contempt communicates disrespect or superiority toward your spouse. Gottman's research identifies contempt as particularly destructive to a marriage.
Sarcasm, ridicule, eye-rolling, or expressions of disgust.
Treating your spouse's perspective as foolish or unworthy of consideration.
Focusing almost exclusively on your spouse's faults while losing sight of their good qualities.
The alternative: Maintain respect for your spouse, even when you are angry or strongly disagree. Remember their good qualities and express appreciation regularly.
4. Stonewalling — Shutting Down or Withdrawing
Stonewalling occurs when one person emotionally disengages from a difficult conversation, often because of feeling overwhelmed.
Becoming silent, distant, or unresponsive.
Avoiding difficult conversations rather than working through them.
Withdrawing when conflict becomes overwhelming.
Leaving disagreements unresolved without making an effort to return to them.
The alternative: Recognize when you are overwhelmed. Take a break if necessary, but communicate your intention to return and work through the disagreement.
Breaking the Pattern
These four patterns can reinforce one another. Criticism often produces defensiveness. Repeated conflict can lead to resentment and contempt, and eventually one or both spouses may withdraw.
The goal is not to identify which spouse is the problem, but for each person to recognize these patterns in their own behavior and take responsibility for changing them.
Healthy marriages require that we learn to express concerns without attacking character, receive criticism without becoming defensive, disagree without contempt, and remain engaged even when conversations become difficult.
The important question is not simply, 'What is my spouse doing wrong?' but 'How am I contributing to the difficulties in our marriage, and what do I need to change?'
