Gentle Start Ups
John and Julie Gottman use the term gentle startup to describe an important skill in relationships: when you need to bring up a problem, how you begin the conversation matters.
This sounds simple, but it can make an enormous difference.
When something has been bothering us, we often wait until we are frustrated before saying anything. By then, instead of describing the problem, we may begin by criticizing the other person:
“You never listen to me.”
“You only care about yourself.”
“Why do you always do this?”
The problem with starting this way is that the other person immediately has another problem to deal with: the attack itself. Instead of discussing the original concern, the conversation quickly becomes an argument about the accusation.
A gentle startup does not mean avoiding difficult subjects. It means raising them without unnecessarily putting the other person on the defensive.
Instead of:
“You never help me around here.”
Try:
“I've been feeling overwhelmed with everything that needs to get done. Could you help me with the dishes tonight?”
Instead of:
“You don't care about spending time with me.”
Try:
“I've been missing you lately. Could we find some time this weekend to do something together?”
The concern has not disappeared. In fact, the concern is being expressed more clearly. What has changed is the way it is introduced.
This is particularly important when the subject really does need to be addressed. If something is hurting a relationship, avoiding it will not solve the problem. But neither will introducing it in a way that makes the other person feel attacked.
A useful question before beginning a difficult conversation is:
What am I actually asking this person to understand or do?
If we can answer that question and begin there—rather than beginning with everything that is wrong with the other person—we have a much better chance of having the conversation we actually need to have.
Difficult conversations are sometimes necessary.
Starting them harshly usually isn't.
