Going Deeper with the Speaker-Listener Technique
Many couples therapists use some version of the speaker-listener technique. The basic idea is that when an argument begins, before things go off the rails, each partner gets a chance to speak and to hear what the other is saying. The listener puts aside objections and defenses and reflects back what they heard. We keep at it until both partners feel understood.
But understanding can occur at different levels.
When couples have been together for years, they often feel as though they already know what their partner is going to say.
She's complaining about money again.
He's upset about the house again.
She's saying I work too much again.
After hearing the same complaints repeatedly, it is easy to tune them out. We may know exactly what our partner is saying without ever really understanding why it matters so much.
That is where the speaker-listener exercise can go deeper.
If your spouse continually worries about money, do you understand why? Perhaps financial uncertainty creates a powerful sense of insecurity. Maybe experiences earlier in life taught your spouse that security can disappear quickly.
If your spouse struggles to clean up after themselves, have you ever wondered why something that seems simple to you is difficult for them? And, in the other direction, why does the mess bother you so much? Perhaps cleaning up after your spouse leaves you feeling unappreciated, alone, or as though you cannot depend on your partner.
Instead of simply asking, “What is my spouse saying?” we can become curious about what is underneath it:
What are they feeling? What does this situation mean to them? Why does it hurt? What do they need from me?
Understanding does not require agreement. The listener's job is simply to put aside their own perspective long enough to see the situation through their partner's window.
You may have heard your spouse make the same complaint a hundred times. The more important question may be:
Have you ever really understood why it matters?
