Only Love Can Hurt Like This

Couples rarely come into counseling because things are going well. By the time they arrive, the same conflicts may have been repeated for months or years. Both partners are frustrated, defensive, and convinced that the other person simply does not understand.

But something interesting can happen when we stop talking about the problems for a moment and ask a different question:

How did the two of you meet?

Sometimes the atmosphere in the room quickly changes.

They remember what first attracted them to each other. They laugh about something that happened on an early date. They remember trips they took, difficult seasons they made it through together, or what made them decide that this was the person they wanted to marry.

For a few minutes, the walls come down.

That is a very encouraging sign. The conflict is real, but so is the affection underneath it.

Other couples have a much harder time telling their story. Even good memories are quickly followed by criticism or resentment. That does not necessarily mean they no longer love each other. It may mean that the defensive walls between them have become so strong that it is difficult to see anything else.

Those walls did not appear overnight, and they usually will not disappear overnight either.

One way to begin breaking through them is to become curious about your partner again. Instead of immediately defending yourself or explaining why your partner is wrong, try to understand why what they are saying matters to them.

This is one reason the speaker-listener exercise can be so helpful. The goal is not merely to repeat your partner’s words. It is to understand the person behind those words.

Sometimes recovering a relationship begins with recovering the ability to see the person you fell in love with—and allowing yourself to understand that person again.